Sometimes I Ponder

Today  I started early.. I went to this interview at the office. Oh ya,, I am suppose to be on off but I am so excited about this one opportunity I decide to just attend.. And ya,,, Insya Allah, all should go well :)


I needed this break. I have been going through hell for the past months. I don't really get it if anyone were not to understand me. I am just trying to survive in a very harsh and alien world. Mind you I am a "foreigner" in my own country. I have been given promises after promises. Especially those with sugar coatings. Here is my story


It all started when there was this one issue going on at the workplace, very near to the bonus payout for my company. There was a breach in procedure of unbarring staff benefit lines (yes this is one of the not so many perks left). Two of us from my unit were caught breaching this rules. And down the drain all my annual effort and bonus went. We end up having a warning letter each worth of a yearly toil of blood, sweat and tears.


Then both of us tried to pick what left of ourselves back. We tried to be the best but the suffering only ended after 6 months. We were some what traumatised and still bear that scar till today. Then somewhere along the way this friend of mine decided to transfer. That was not the end but a beginning....


Then some jokers decide that we some distant south asian country can do miracles at a minimal cost... eureka... then my unit was shrunk....During that time I stopped receiving my part time salary..then from there all hell break lose.


That was only a small part of it.. I am heartless now. Trying to live in an old world full of young people. At 30 I am nothing to be proud off. I am now piss broke, chewing more than I could swallow and trying my best, crawling just to continue another day. I am very tired. Gone were the days when I eat only home cooked food. My house is in a mess and no one understand. I think it is better off for me to stay all alone, or how?


I always belief that no matter what comes to you, God do have a mysterious way to show its love to us. I always think that He will always be kind hearted. It's just that sometimes I will cry and complaint only to Him. Why am I in such a mess? Only He alone knows. Sometime alone at night I wake up and cries.,.. I had passed the level where I am angry. I am now at a stage of pitying myself. He will always be the Almighty holder of solutions