Sometimes I Ponder

Today  I started early.. I went to this interview at the office. Oh ya,, I am suppose to be on off but I am so excited about this one opportunity I decide to just attend.. And ya,,, Insya Allah, all should go well :)


I needed this break. I have been going through hell for the past months. I don't really get it if anyone were not to understand me. I am just trying to survive in a very harsh and alien world. Mind you I am a "foreigner" in my own country. I have been given promises after promises. Especially those with sugar coatings. Here is my story


It all started when there was this one issue going on at the workplace, very near to the bonus payout for my company. There was a breach in procedure of unbarring staff benefit lines (yes this is one of the not so many perks left). Two of us from my unit were caught breaching this rules. And down the drain all my annual effort and bonus went. We end up having a warning letter each worth of a yearly toil of blood, sweat and tears.


Then both of us tried to pick what left of ourselves back. We tried to be the best but the suffering only ended after 6 months. We were some what traumatised and still bear that scar till today. Then somewhere along the way this friend of mine decided to transfer. That was not the end but a beginning....


Then some jokers decide that we some distant south asian country can do miracles at a minimal cost... eureka... then my unit was shrunk....During that time I stopped receiving my part time salary..then from there all hell break lose.


That was only a small part of it.. I am heartless now. Trying to live in an old world full of young people. At 30 I am nothing to be proud off. I am now piss broke, chewing more than I could swallow and trying my best, crawling just to continue another day. I am very tired. Gone were the days when I eat only home cooked food. My house is in a mess and no one understand. I think it is better off for me to stay all alone, or how?


I always belief that no matter what comes to you, God do have a mysterious way to show its love to us. I always think that He will always be kind hearted. It's just that sometimes I will cry and complaint only to Him. Why am I in such a mess? Only He alone knows. Sometime alone at night I wake up and cries.,.. I had passed the level where I am angry. I am now at a stage of pitying myself. He will always be the Almighty holder of solutions

untitle

Apa saja lah dosa aku ngan ko. semua bnda salah. semua bnda x kener. ko sedar ke x? mcm2 aku dh buat.. ko xbuat apa pun.. aku jugak yg sakit. ya, semua salah ko. Aku rasa dh smpai masa aku salahkn org lain plak mcm mana org lain salahkn aku. ko nk aku seksa smpai mati ke? apa x ckup lagi aku seksa? ko mmg pandai..pndai larikn diri... biar org lain tanggung susah ko. biar aku yg jahanam... ko penah pikir pasal aku? xpenah rasanya... setakat main wayang bleh la. tapi nk tolong? ada? aku tlg ko ada lh... penah ke ko keluar duit tolong aku? xpenah kot. dari petrol, mkn, tol rokok, semua duit aku... jadik.. kpd yg berkenaan...sedar2 la sikit. ko bukannya bagus sgt pun

Help !!!!

PEOPLE JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME. SORRY IF I FREAK YOU OUT BUT THAT IS WHO I AM AND PLEASE LEARN TO ACCEPT ME THE WAY IT IS. DON'T JUST BE WITH ME BECIASE OF THE MONEY.. IF I AM PISS BROKE THEN U DECIDE TO LEAVE ME. AS EASY AS SNAPPING YOUR DAMN FINGER. IT IS JUST SO FUCKED UP NOW THAT I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE PARASITE IN MY BLOODY LIFE. SO, IF  YOU DECUDE TO BE ANOTHER PARASITE.. SO PLEASE THE DOOR IS OPEN AND FUCK OFF....

Don't care and Don't wanna care

People may think that I am ungrateful...so fuck it.. I just think that if nobody gonna pity then nobody deserve me..

Another ramblings...

Hrm.. the system is currently down at the office. As if it tries to comprehend what I feel inside, the whole office system is down. So I decide to write something.

I feel very weird.. I have a feeling that I am facing a brick wall.. with so much trouble and with virtually no way out. It has been always been like this for the past years. Since last year it all started. I think there is a predictive pattern for all my sufferings as it will start from October and drag on till somewhere around May. I always held on to this one thin string of faith that God must have something up his sleeve.. its just that I don't know for how long I can stand to this

Yes, I must be thankful that there are others who suffer more than me. There are people who does not have a job, lost limbs and stuff. But I sometime wonder, what did I do to deserve this. I look around and everyone seems very happy with what they do.

I try my best to make everyone happy even with the implication that I will hurt myself somewhere along the way. I sometime cry when I think about what happen to me.

My Bucket List

All I want before I die is this:

1. A trip to Mekah
2. A loving wive and a Happy Family
3. My own company
4. Bringing my parents to trip overseas all expenses paid
5. A cattle farm in New Zealand
6. Sponsor a rugby team
7. Reading a book everyday
8. Travelling to Amsterdam, Morocco and Australia
9. Trip to Smithsonian and all the museums
10. Own house

Terima Kasih

Sekarang depan TV tgk astro... kepala agak serabut dan lapar.. tapi aku takder selera..bagus gak. At least tak payah aku keluar duit. Apa salah aku pun aku tak tau. Semua macam tak berapa menjadi. Rasanya macam nak kener pikir balik semua benda

Bonda tersayang ada cakap. "Kalau susah sangat, balik jer kampung". Terima kasih mak, aku tau Mak risau. Tapi balik maksudnya mengalah. Ya, satu hari nanti mesti aku balik. Aku dah terlalu lama di sini jadik tak salah seorang mak risau. Tinggal seorang diri, macam-macam boleh jadik. Aku tau, takde sapa pun yang akan baca apa yang aku tulis nih. Aku cuma harap apa yang aku tulis akan jadi kenangan kalau aku dah tak ada.

Bila aku lihat keliling, aku rasa macam orang lain ada lagi yang susah. Aku dh cuba jadik yang terbaik. Aku dah cuba jadik orang yang boleh membahagiakan semua orang. Perancangan aku gagal. Yang terakhir aku dah buat satu keputusan yang agak besar. Ya, semoga orang lain bahagia. Aku merana, mungkin dah jadi ketentuan. Aku bersyukur dalam keadaan aku yang begini masih ada yang lagi susah dari aku. Aku tak sangka yang hidup aku akan jadi macam ni. Sekarang aku cuma perlu redha. 

Kerjaku sekarang tidak mendatangkan perasaan yang sama seperti dulu. Kadang-kadang aku rasa macam hidup tak lengkap. Rasa macam tak berapa seronok. Aku cuma menunggu jalan keluar yang terbaik Allah boleh bagi aku. Aku dah terlalu penat mengharap. Terlalu penat menyimpan impian dan akhirnya... ke laut..

10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate it when you're not around,
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close…
Not even a little bit…
Not even at all.

Haisshhh

Alamak...skali tak cukup la plak bulan nih.. mampus